More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
