My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
