Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
