Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
