No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
