Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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