There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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