i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
