I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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