The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
