So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
