My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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