I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize