dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
