Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
