i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
