I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
