After last night, I could never be a politician.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
