too bad you live with your parents still
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
