can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what day is it and did you see me today?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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