i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
