It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
