Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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