So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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