im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
