He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
