she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
