the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
