My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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