this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
