I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
