she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
