accomplished twins. life is a go
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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