Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
