I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
