Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
