Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize