On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
