True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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