Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize