I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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