So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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