The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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