I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
