He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
