the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
