Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
