I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
