I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
