I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
