I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
