just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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