I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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