Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
