Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
